10/05/01
Ann woke up one morning and discovered her dog Fluffy was not moving. She brought Fluffy to the vet. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?" Ann asked with tears in her eyes. "Isn't there anything else you can do for Fluffy?" The vet replied, "Well, there is one more thing we could try." He disappeared in the back room for a second and came back carrying a cat in his arms. He put the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe, jumped off the table and ran back into the other room. "Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." "How much do I owe you?" Ann sighed. "That will be $250," the vet replied. "What?" Ann yelled. "What did you do that cost $250?" "Well," the vet replied, "it's $50 for the office visit and $200 for the cat scan."
29/01/01
Whose Duck is It?
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to
cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly
pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was
doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognised who he was talking to. "No,"
replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am
the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today.
And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your
truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks
law.'"
"Never heard of it," said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your
feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighbourhood and figured he
could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked
Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him
in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right,
now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Hot Dogs???
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the
mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards
the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to
oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the
counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
25/01/01
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you, " Totally rattled, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you, " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any
way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"