Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Steve corrected.  "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

One more time
After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!" They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was *wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?" "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Cars
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the
papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"." He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

Married Man
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

22/05/01

Whose Duck is It?

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognised who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law.'"

"Never heard of it," said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said Johnny.

"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

New Chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can
I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man bring the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

Nuns vs. Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*%! off our car!"

Hot Dogs???

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the
mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the
counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"